It's sometimes the pressure to be perfect that keeps us from getting as close as possible... and

For the love of God, am I to be constantly treated like my brother's understudy?

Tonight, we sat down as a family and went over his report card. First in his class, A average, exceptional grades all around... yadda yadda ya. Far better than I did at his level, with way less effort.

It's just the way the cookie crumbles. I work twice as hard, he does twice as good. It's irrelevant that I came first, tried first. When my parents see my grades, my results... it's a tiny pat on the back - "You could have done better!". By the time my brother steps up to the bar, and his results come around? The whole world cheers for their brilliant boy who makes it all look so damn easy.

It's gonna sound terribly sour and bitter, but I've come to accept that where I stand is on the sidelines. I stand just behind the curtain. Should the star, for any reason, need an understudy to step up and take his place.

I'm obviously not the cute one, the funny one, the good looking one, the smart one.

Which one am I?

The spare? 

Surrenderingly yours,
me.

I have finally come to accept "It's Complicated" as a relationship status... and

That's when I know I'm in some deep shit.

You see, the terrible, disappointing thing about being in an ambiguous relationship is that some days, you feel like his or her other half. You feel loved, and wanted. Some days what you're doing, what you go through feels worth it. Some days, you're romanced. Some days, you're a lover.

And then some days you're bros and homies and besties. You know you're not anybody's boyfriend or girlfriend. You feel like their friend. It's like you're perpetually being slapped in the face with the slipper of unrequited love. Like you're someone's "just friend".

And then there are dark days. Days when you're neither friend, nor lover. When you don't expect replies to messages. When you don't want to hear their voice and the mention of their name is like a kick to the crotch. Those days, it just hurts. It's being swallowed alive by the insecurity and the instability.

I'm not saying I need to be wifed up by anybody. I'm just not sure how to deal with the constant second guessing and insecurity. Insecurity is always a bad place for me. It's just not fair.

I can deal with avoiding the "So, what are you guys?" and the awkwardness when someone says "You guys would be such a cute couple!" but I dunno how to deal with not knowing what I mean to you.

Insecurely yours,
me.