A river of tears keeps springing from my eyes: a post that is not a post

I've barely slept, and everything feels hollow. I'm so frustrated and tired of being miserable and hating myself. I let love ruin me. I convinced myself that love was to bear pain until you split open - and I continue to split myself open. I love you so much that I can’t find room to love myself.

How much longer do I intend to drag this cross behind me? To stagger under the weight of how I feel about you? Every time I set it down, I pick it back up and my God, it n e v e r gets any lighter.

I never want to feel like this again. I never want to know love if I can’t love myself more than the person I love. My God, I loved you so much that I forgot to value myself and love myself. Now that you’re gone I have this empty hole where love opened me up and poured me out and what is love if not the thing that leaves you empty?

I’m so tired of hating myself, carrying this cross for you and nailing myself to it. I’m tired of tears. I’m frustrated and I’m miserable. I’m tired of constantly wanting to fix things and talk to you and find some kind of fucking closure that does not exist. I am so tired. I’m so tired.

And now I wait for this river to run dry.

Post is not a post, post is an attempt to write my frustration out so I can sleep. God, I just want to sleep. I want this river to run dry, my heart to harden and I want to sleep. I want this to be over. What is the lesson here? Can You please hurry up and teach me the lesson here so this class can be over? Please. Please. PLEASE.