I never ever doubt my ability to make a huge ass mess out of everything I touch... and

I'm tired of crying.

There's nobody to blame but me.

I just don't know how to allow myself to be happy. I'm so scared of someone breaking me, that I don't realize I'm breaking myself. The only person who is hurting me, is me. When I push away every single person who gets close enough to give a fuck about me.

I think I've chewed off an entire layer of my bottom lip and listened to every single song on the Paradise album and I spent two hours buried in bed trying to shake out enough crap out of my head that I could get some sleep.

Words, unfortunately, are failing me. Not just expressing myself here and now, but today's just been ridiculous. I seem to possess only two extremes. I'm either really bad or really good. I bounce from babble and giggle and sing and twirl to distant and solemn and silent and absent, and right back again. I'm all bounced out and I still can't find a balance.

My happy feels fake. My sad feels dramatic.

I feel like I exist in a simple state - like a switch. I can only ever be on or off. Every child has tried to balance a switch between on and off, but it isn't possible. There's no middle state. It's on. Or off.

I was talking to a friend today, about how much I just can't stand touch lately. I don't think it's ever been this bad. I just... don't like when people hug me, or hold my hand, or even stand close enough to brush against me, when they lean against me, when they rest on me. It's not that I hate it, but lately it's been making me jumpy. I cringe away from people. I shudder. I grimace.

So now, I'm not just afraid of emotional proximity. I'm afraid of physical proximity too.

But the scariest part, is that I want him to hug me. I want him to hold me, and tell me silly bullshit about how I'm being ridiculous and I'm making mountains out of molehills and I need to calm down, sleep at night, eat decent meals and stop beating up on myself. I want him everywhere.

It's frigging terrifying.

Yours with words failing,
me.

(This hasn't even been double checked for errors. Apologies in advance. I don't know where my ability to express myself has gone. Maybe it's time to get back into poetry.)