The thing about liquor is, if I'm drowning in it then I'm. not. okay. and

Right now, I'm sinking fast.

I can feel the whiterumorangadetropicanabluegatorade sloshing around in my tummy, and this is so very bad. So so so very bad.

I'm a good girl, a smart girl, a strong girl.

I know when to stop.

But I'm not okay, and I'm tired of being not okay. How did I dive so hard, get so far and fall so fast? When did I tell myself that it was okay to be bare, be naked, in front of someone else? Since when did trusting someone come so easily? My human instinct of self preservation is telling me I've screwed up.

I really really really like this boy, and it feels right but I know it's wrong.

Because I'm a smart girl. I'm a strong girl. I'm a good girl. I know better. I don't need anybody who thinks I'm funny, and wants to stay up with me all night talking about absolutely nothing. I don't need someone to listen to my stupid childhood stories, and share their favourite songs with me (Ode to a Dream by the Internet is still a really weird song but you get fifty billion cool points for loving Lana del Rey). I most certainly don't need someone I can spend all day talking to. I don't need someone to make plans around, someone I want to be with me when I go out. I don't need someone I choose over doing work. I don't need someone.

But I really like you. (And I'm tempted to use the other L word, but I don't play with that and feelings aren't a joke, so I'm not quite sure what's happening but it isn't safe.) I like how you try to be too cool to be phased by anything (trust me though, that's a hard facade to keep up). I like how you smile. I like how you insist on leaning on me, even though we both almost end up tumbling. I like how you call me nicknames like it's natural, like you've been doing it forever. I like our stupid lame broadback, pink liver inside jokes. I like how you send me to bed when it's getting too late, and how you say goodnight. I like how you're not scared to joke around with me; how you force me to take a joke, how you force me to like myself more. I like you don't take me very seriously at all.

Most of all, I like how you don't seem to resent the speed we've moving at. The only speed I know how.

I really like you, and that scares me.

Most terrified and infatuated and quite possibly sorta intoxicated (by you),
me.