I marvel at my ability to be unfathomably bad at conversations, social interaction, relationships of any kind and basically anything to do with dealing with other people... and

It was bound to ruin the great thing I had going for me.

I dunno why I can't just shut my mouth and accept that there are people who care about me. And I dunno why it's just that much harder to do when it's someone I'm attracted to.

When people get all emotionally supportive and caring and nice, I get vicious and catty and nasty. I scare them away with my ...me-ness.

I won't say what I did because I am ridiculously ashamed of myself, but it was really bad. I don't know why he would ever speak to me again, because I certainly don't deserve it.

The thing is though, I'm not just good at screwing up romantic type relationships, but casual ones too. Friends that stick around despite by bitch major complex are real friends, and I think I have a handful of them who have seen more that my first layer of nasty and hung around.

So, right here, I would like to give major major major props to my best friend, my better half, the only person who knows I'm mad puss piss crazy and doesn't seem to care. My sour muffin! Girl, you have seen numerous layers of what I'm like when I'm at my worst and my worstest and my worstester and you still seem to like me. I have to thank the Lord for a best friend like you.

And I have a handful of other friends, who, despite not knowing and experiencing nearly as bad a me as my best friend, but certainly a ridiculous degree of me and have hung around and for that you all deserve a shiny gold medal. (And a few who deserve some huge ass trophies, I won't mention your names... but I believe two of you read this blog, so to my Reckless and Relentless, and to my cornbread muffin? Big. ass. gold. trophies. so. heavy. you. can't. LIFT. them. Holla.)

Now, I have to figure out how I'm going to fix all the messes I've made in the last couple of days... I just need to stop being so angry, so scared, so insecure and so ridiculous and TELL THE BOY HOW I FEEL. Like, really.

I need to stop bottling up everything and letting it eat away at me until there's really nothing left to do but to let it all out in one bitch attack that really isn't fair to anybody. Communication is key, and it's a damn shame I'm bad at that too.

I am so bad at communication that I am bad at it on different levels: not just the "take-forever-to-reply" level, but on the "rambling-without-ever-saying-anything-meaningful" level and on the killing the conversation at various degrees level too. I just... suck. True story.

But I can't keep putting off the fixing stage- I have slept for countless hours since Sunday night, eaten every single fruit I can peel, watched too much bad TV, made my baby brother sick of me and flipped through all the social media I participate in... there isn't much left to do to put this-... Ooh, look! Carrie Diaries Season One finished torrenting :/



..No! Bad, me! Bad! Fix this. Fix this now. Ughh. Or later? Since he has an exam? Right. Later. I will fix this later.

Most ashamedly yours,
me.