Update: a week-ish since breakup. I have not cried today.
Dearest, as darkness draws you close and you slip beneath its surface and water slips into your nose and mouth, cling to these things and rise. Rise until breathing is easy. Rise until it doesn't hurt anymore. Rise, and rise, and rise again.
One
Remember that they will not be him, no matter how hands feel like hands in the dark. They will not sound like him, smile like him or make you feel like him. Do not try to use them to replace him. They are not his understudies in your show.
Do not try to find someone else to fill the space where he used to be until you are ready, and until you can appreciate this new whoever for all that they are. That is not fair to them, or fair to you.
Be smart.
Do not rebound.
And if you slip up, please do not choose to ruin the new friendship with this boy. You will regret it. He is an amazing friend, who is helping you cope as best he can. Do not use him.
Two
"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck."
The Universe operates in mysterious ways, and God... You see, God doesn't make mistakes. There are forces that you must believe that operate on your behalf to protect you from the things that mean you ruin. Read, and reread THEORIES ABOUT THE UNIVERSE by Blythe Baird.
"I am trying to see things in perspective.My dog wants a bite of my peanut butter
chocolate chip bagel. I know she cannot
have this, because chocolate makes dogs
very sick. My dog does not understand this.
She pouts and wraps herself around my leg
like a scarf and purrs and tries to convince me
to give her just a tiny bit. When I do not give in,she eventually gives up and lays in the corner,
under the piano, drooping and sad. I hope the
universe has my best interest in mind like I have
my dogs. When I want something with my whole
being, and the universe withholds it from me,
I hope the universe thinks to herself: “Silly girl.
She thinks this is what she wants, but she
does not understand how it will hurt."
Perhaps this is the universe protecting me from ruin.
And oh, how love ruins women.
Three
Remember that he is human. He is not a god and you are not a monster. Take him down from the pedestal that you put him on. See that he, too, has flaws. There are things you will not miss.
He was great, in some ways, and not so great, in others. You don't have to keep idolising him. You may now acknowledge that there are ways in which he was flawed. You may now acknowledge that he did things that hurt you, especially in the last week and a half - and you must now stop making excuses for them, and forgive him.
Forgive him for the things, even if he is not sorry for the things. Forgive him. Work on forgetting, not so he can have a second (third? fourth? how are we counting these?) chance but so that you can have a second chance. Don't hold on to the ways he hurt you in an attempt to fuel your recovery. Let them go. Let him go.
You can now break the silence wide open and fill it with words and laughter and love. You can tear the bricks out of the wall. Word by word, you may now heal. Answer the questions for yourself. Stop expecting the words from anyone but yourself. You may now uninvest your tears in someone else's silences. Stop unblocking him and turning to him for closure, and close the chapter yourself. Be okay with never speaking to him again. Remind yourself that he doesn't seem to have anything left to say to you. (Also, as a bitter aside: stop rereading that stupid Whatsapp conversation and delete the fucking chat. Delete his number again. Block him. Do not keep digging for meaning in the meaningless words he uses. "Why would I not reply?" followed by no reply is just another meaningless conversation. You will not find closure standing in front of a brick wall.)
May the next person you love be generous with words. May the next one know that it is okay to say the words that perhaps may hurt, with the knowledge that there is a balance - as words hurt so too do words heal. May the next one never hold back either of both.
Four
Drinking, though a quick fix, will not help you heal. Do not clutch at bottles for salvation. Find healthy ways to cope with your pain. Pain, too, is a blessing. Do not seek numbness. Do not prolong the suffering by wishing it away. Instead, go through your motions until the feeling passes. Be present in all moments and learn fully from each and every one. Let them teach you, change you and shape you. This is all a part of your story. All a part of your journey. Do not skim through the pages and except to gather meaning.
Spend time with your friends - they are great friends. You have fewer than you possibly ever had, but you have more than enough. They are each far more valuable than any friend you have lost. They have been an incredible support group. Do not push them away.
Now, in particular, people will emerge from the molding and be there for you in ways which will surprise you. Let them be there for you. Let them comfort you. Remember. Return the favour.
Be with your family, as often and in as many meaningful ways as you can. Call your mother. Call your father. Call your brothers. Call your grandparents. Remember that there are people who will love you unconditionally, and will not decide to quit on you via a whatsapp one-liner. These relationships are perennial; choose these over the ephemeral. Be present.
Five
You are enough. You were Queen before him, and you shall be continue to be Queen after him. You have enough to rule without him. You can be Queen of your own lands, without needing him by your side. Be Queen enough to not need a King (or a joker pretending to be a King, but no shade).
Do not question your worth.
You may be as bad at communication as he says you are, among other flaws you no doubt possess. You may have done a lot of things wrong.
But you, you are human.
You are flawed, but you are not unworthy of love.
You are also amazing, beautiful, smart, funny, thoughtful, loving.
You are worthy of love.
Do not forget.
Six
This too shall pass.
For nothing lasts forever, and life is short.
You will not suffer forever.
In the end, it will be okay.
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