This post comes after some heavy ass reflection, and comes with a heavy dose of the resentment I'm trying to avoid. I want to ask him a lot of questions, but I won't. He is a dead end. He's the last place I have been able to find closure.
I am not mourning for or grieving over the relationship. Not really.
I would have been able to come to terms with his choice to end the relationship. I am not a child, and I don't think I am unreasonable. I know you can't force people to stay. I would have been able to accept his decision with a relative amount of peace.
But no, I am torn the fuck up not because of the end of a relationship but because the person I was in a relationship with has somehow managed to shock the fuck out of me. The person I was in a relationship with made me feel like shit while trying to end a dying relationship that I think really wasn't either of our faults more than it was both of our faults.
Ending a relationship is one thing.
Ending a relationship with hurt feelings that could have been avoided is another thing.
Now after a week and a half, I feel it really hard to believe that the person who claimed that they loved me could have broken up with me the way they did, and responded me the way they have since. I feel it hard to believe that that was done as considerately as possible.
Or is it that I didn't deserve consideration?
Was I THAT bad a girlfriend that it was totally irrelevant how I felt after ten months of a relationship? Was I THAT horrible a communicator, a person?
I want to ask what I did to deserve the ridiculously shitty way you treated me in the last week and a half (with the exception of the 48 hours in which you humoured me, which now feels like a slap in the face all things considered - as now I'm not sure how genuine any of that was) but I know that you will just read my message and not reply to my unproductive conversation.
And yes, yes, I remember you saying it was spur of the moment and blah blah and whatnot, but I feel like that is adding insult to injury. That is a flimsy excuse that means so very little. You acted like I had you cornered, backed up against the wall with no options. My insecurities must have been armed with guns and knives, driving a military grade tank. Our relationship must have been a prison. I must have been choking you.
I agree. Our relationship probably needed to end. Maybe it was so far as to be described as toxic. I am at peace with the fact that it has ended, but I can't seem to find peace in the way you acted towards me. I can't seem to understand why you are even still reacting the way you are acting towards me (with the most defensive responses to my messages as possible) - as if I have been hurting you this whole time and am continuing to hurt you. Why did you never tell me I was treating you like shit, if such was the case? Why did you never say that I was a horrible person, so that when you decided to treat me as such, I would properly understand that this was what I deserved?
Regardless, I'm not sure there is a relationship for us to return to - so I have stopped wanting that, even if just temporarily as I am being clouded by hurt and resentment. Maybe at some point in the future I will be overcome with nostalgia and I will miss all the great things about our relationship. I'm also not sure there is a friendship for us to return to either. I'm not sure there's anything left for us.
And that's okay. I'm just working on forgiving you and moving on with my life. Coming to terms with all the horrible things that I must have done, and your response. Vowing never to put myself in this position again. Thank you for that.
Today (and yesterday), I did not cry. I did not miss you any more than manageable. I just sat in my tub of hurt and resentment and thought about how you treated me. And how maybe you weren't the person I thought you were. That's all.
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