It's the great thing about words that keeps me coming back - the way how everybody can interpret something differently. Everything means something different to someone else. This quote by Walt Whitman is no different.
The annotations on shmoop.com explain these two lines as follows: "These lines express Whitman's radicalism.... They are humorous because Whitman initially decides the best way to get through this metaphorical door is to unlock it (sounds reasonable), but then he says, oh, what the heck, and tears the entire door from its frame!"
Aside from at face value, this line meant to me that there are more than ways of getting through obstacles. Sometimes, you must simply tear the whole damn door out of the jamb.
Now I could unscrew the lock from the door (and go through the break up motions in my corner, taking up the least space possible) or I could simply rip the door itself from the jamb (and be as recklessly me as I always am). Which one do you think I've chosen?
I have denied no feeling. I have resisted no urge. I am submitting fully to the feelings until they pass (which sometimes blows up in my face, yes, okay, but still).
And that's probably why all the speculating outsiders have made it a point of duty to concern themselves with how thoroughly this all affects me (how emotional I am, blah blah) whilst my exboyfriend has seemingly been coping just fine. And understandably so - considering that this is what he wanted. Now, you see, I'm not really all that mad about the speculation, as people will always talk - I'm just a little mad that maybe they're right. I'm beginning to think the same things as they all are.
At first this breakup seemed a little like we were both really upset and hurting and torn up, blah blah. We both seemed to be clinging and blah blah. But that "at first" seemed to last about 48 hours. And now that I look back, I'm a moron.
The first few hours post breakup, exboyfriend who I shall refer to from henceforth as X (okay, yes, I think I'm funny) did a couple things that made me look (and feel, don't forget feel) like an ass. Not easy being broken up with on WhatsApp with no explanation, but then to walk past and overhear people casually discussing their negative impressions and feelings about you in public and very loudly? Not a nice feeling. Aaaaand it never quite helped that the response to this from X was very dismissively "Oh we were leaving and I have no inside voice blah blah" which made me feel worse. Overall, it kinda seemed like X was being a jerk. An unfazed, insensitive, unempathetic (is that a word? It just seemed like the opposite of empathetic was most appropriate and empathy is an ability or capacity to relate to the feelings of another) jerk.
Then I made a number of excuses for that night and decided I wanted to move along and not hate or resent him blah blah, and whatnot. He seemed fair enough after that and that was good enough for me, who still had him up on a pedestal (and possibly still do).
Then I went through a number of crazy irrational and crazy imbalanced fits of sending him irrational messages, deleting photos and then undeleting photos, so on and so forth. And looking back at those WhatsApp conversations made me feel like an idiot, every single time.... because I was all over the place. And he was his usual brick wall self. Replies like "Ahh" and the infamous X long wait, blue tick, no reply. Lovely. There I go making an ass out of myself again.
Now I realise that I was very wrong. And that sometimes when people show you that they do not care (or when it would appear as such), you should stop putting your vulnerability on display and go ahead and bottle that shit back up and let it rot on the inside until it goes away/kills you.
Anyways. People may continue to speculate. I am torn up and emotional and going through the motions. I am trying to make sense of this. Trying to cope. But I will now try to cope in ways that don't make me out to be the crazy ex-girlfriend that bursts into tears at the mention of his name (which never happened, hmph - I'm most offended that people think that this is how bad it is) and continue to unscrew the doors from the jambs until I can care as little as he seems to.
I will now return to watching Paper Towns (from which this quote used as the title came) and eating a soggy leftover half of a spicy Zinger from KFC. I will also not expect a reply to that WhatsApp conversation in which X assumed I was attacking him (which I wasn't) that I started because my first instinct is obviously to turn to X because he was, is, whatever the person I tried hardest to work things out with. I will also try to not breed resentment, which is becoming harder and harder the more I overthink.
Post has not been proofread, probably makes no sense and is all over the place. As usual.
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